My day on the J

The J has been derailed

2009-05-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

The individual who runs this blog has received a cease and desist notice from mayor Gavin Newsom to halt all future postings, or else face legal action. The My Day on the J legal team has been working around the clock to restore this national treasure.

The My Day on the J Team will keep you posted...

Who done it? An epic tale of mystery and redemption from the J

2009-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

Intro- I got out of my seat for an elderly lady or all of the seats were taken. I don’t really remember but either way I found myself standing on the J with my right arm up holding on to the bar above me. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

Enter the Villain: By the Civic Center stop the J was packed. People were all around and most dressed up like they were interviewing for Wamu before it ate shit. Including the man next to me wearing a navy suit holding a briefcase with his left hand and grabbing the bar above him with his right hand.

The Unwanted Gift: At the first outbound stop (Market/Church) things turned for the worse. Seconds after the doors opened and air shot into the J it became very apparent that there was a funk in the Muni. It was the European delicacy of BO. Someone had forgot to rock their Right Guard and there was an unadulterated stench in the air. In fact this was some of the most wicked body odor this side of Paris. Passengers instantly were on the lookout for the culprit.

Redux: By the next stop the odor had slightly subsided but when those doors swung open and outside air rushed in the BO punched us out like an 87’ Tyson fight. The doors closed and passengers once again turned their Odor Radar on. The consensus showed that ground zero was very close to me and after I gave a few very strong sniffs it became clear to me. The offender was none other than Navy Suit Man!

Wrongfully Convicted: As the passengers focused in on the battle zone they were left with two options. Was it the well-dressed businessman in the navy suit or the kid in jeans and t-shirt? The profiling began and I’m sure you can guess who was getting the dirty looks. Yup, people young and old, all colors, even homeless dudes were shaking their heads at me. I had no defense just an inner hatred for the man next to me.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving: Unlike other short lived smells that come from the body such as ones below the waist and on the backside of you BO from the arm pits doesn’t give up easy. It’s like a relentless bulldog that you can’t release from the throat of a shitty Paris Hilton dog. And at every single stop when those doors swung open and air came in the odor grenade would blow up the J. I think one lady even passed out at the Dolores stop.

The Cloud is Lifted/ a Child Reborn: At two stops before 24th Street the man in the navy suit exited the J. I knew then what no one else knew. We had survived and were in the clear. At the next stop when the doors swung open…Nothing. Just fresh air! Confused passengers looked at me. “It wasn’t him”, they whispered. As passengers took in the fresh air they shot me apologetic looks.

The Joy Ride: By 24th Street most of the passengers had exited the J. I was in the clear. I took a seat knowing I could ride the J another day.

If Santa's sleigh were a Muni line, it would be the J !!!

2008-12-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

There you are:|

2008-11-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

In a miraculous change of events the wallet has been returned, or rather found!

It was on my dresser when I got home.

Apologies go out to all of the falsely identified suspects as well as the Muni Officer whom I called a “miserable piece of shit.” You are an honorable man and I am the mpos.

Where's my ...?!?

2008-11-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

F@#%, so it finally happened, *deep breathe* sigh* F@#%!!!

The wallet got stolen.

I didn’t notice until the Embarcadero station when the Muni Officer was checking for tickets. When I reached for my wallet to show him the pass the sinking feeling (kick in the nuts) hit me. Nothing there, (wallet not nuts). What made matters worse was my hysterical attempt to talk my way out of the ticket, “ I don’t have my pass because my wallet just got stolen asshole.” The officer almost arrested me for disorderly conduct. Can Muni Officer’s do that?

Here are my suspects. Sorry for the profiling.
- Mission High School student wearing Giants cap with sticker on brim. Exited at 16th and Church. Maybe he needed lunch money?
- Old Greek lady holding a loaf of bread. Exited at Market. Maybe she needs X-Mas money for the grand kids?
- Business man wearing business man duds. Exited at Montgomery. Maybe the dude is getting fired from his bond trader position?

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

If this doesn’t piss people off….

2008-10-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what will! I'm just bummed that I'm not talented enough to add the Manny dreads.

The Great Debate

2008-10-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Charles,

Perhaps you're unaware that the J was apart of the Tokyo underground sreetcar scene in the early 80's. Yes, the Reagan years.

It's also a well known fact that the J has the sexdrive of a mongoose. Even preschoolers should be aware of that!

The story of the the J's immaculate conception (otherwise known as the miracle on 24th Street) is no fabrication. And what you've read in the tabloids about what the J does late night is bullshit and none of your business.

Vote the J for a better tomorrow or risk losing all your money and the right to eat carne asada.

Fade to black but back to orange

2008-10-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of any recent posts but with the pending financial crisis I have been forced to take drastic measures. Not only did I have to shut off my internet but I also had to start walking to work. Thats right, NO J!!! I have also been reading the Examiner.

But with the bailout on the way I have Comcast hooking up the high speed and I bought an October Muni pass so let the shenanigans begin huh.

My time off the J made me realize what a special gem the J really is and next time I will give up food and the Ladies bc before I give up the J!

Yours,

Matias Grey

Presidential Poll ( See top right)

2008-09-09T10:10:00.001-07:00

Westside!

2008-09-03T12:35:00.001-07:00

I had some cousins in from New York last night. Good people. Well, not my real cousins, as in my mom's brother's loser ass kids but my mom's cousin and her kids. Kinda like the way the Greeks just throw out the word cousin. Los gente bien none-the-less

Anyways, one thing led to another and the J came up. But not my J their J. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J_(New_York_City_Subway_service) I find it odd that none of my fans in New York have brought the NYJ to my attention.

My initial reaction was to defend my ride and claim it as the best J in the land. But there have been way too many preventable murders over the West Coast/East Coast Train Battle.

So I say we lay the tracks down across this great nation and make one awesome J! Maybe even across the world. WAIT... that sounds like some hippy shit. The NYJ is tyrd and is probably still wearing British Knights. What?!

The J knows the rules before he breaks them

2008-09-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

The fashion police were not to happy with the J this morning when it rolled on through rocking white footwear. But what I've learned from the J is that it's not only fashionably late but also fashionably dressed.

Purchase Clarification* The J didn't buy these shoes at a Mission thrift store with it's left over money from art school. He bought them in Italy during an International rendezvous last year. This isn't a pair of hipster kicks!

J Wins Gold!

2008-08-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

In a race for the ages, the J took down it's rivals from Chinatown and Russian Hill to win the Gold Medal in the 08' PT (Public Transportation) Olympics.

*There has been speculation that the J was on performance enhancers during the race but J denies all allegations. The verdict will lay in the hands of public opinion.

Taiwanese fishing boat dry-docked at Padang Padang

2008-08-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm just glad it wasn't the J!

dia sin flores

2008-07-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

Flower edition canceled:

So I was thinking to myself “what harm is it for a dude to rock some flowers on the J? People know the deal.”

But right as I was picking up a lovely bouquet from Amadeus Flower Shop I receive a text from the lady reading

“ wtf passport denied, CA has no records of the marriage.”

Hmm interesting, seems like a message from God to me. We’re going to have to straighten this thing out with Arnie before I can conduct any such social experiments on the J.

'That Guy' flower edition

2008-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

So it's Matias and the Lady's anniversary. The Lady is demanding flowers. OK, she's worth it. But here's my dilemma.
-Should I get the flowers on my walk from work to the Embarcadero Station and be 'that guy' with flowers on the J?
-Or should I get off at 24thy Street, get the flowers, take the next J and minimize my 'that guyness'?

Advantages: I wouldn't have to get off the J.
Disadvantages: I would be that guy on the J with flowers.

Ill keep you posted with the what-have-you.

Fool you once, shame on me

2008-07-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

It absolutely baffles me that with all of the posted comments, suggestions and criticism that I've received that nobody has called me out on finishing the race. "Yeah you ride the J from Day to the Bay, but what about Balboa Park?" Okay, you got me. How can I blog about the J without fulling tasting the fruit that it bares.

So on a recent trip to SFO it was decision time. Take a cab or take the J to Balboa Park and transfer to BART like a man. I knew what I had to do.

I boarded the J at 30th going outbound. I was feeling pretty good as the J hit San Jose Street but as we approached Glen Park my nerves got to me. I wanted to roll out of thing naked at 15mphs Walter Sobchak style. But I knew I couldn't let YOU down. I knew I couldn't let myself down. When I exited the J at the Balboa Park Station it was the happiest moment of my life.

J Cruise

2008-07-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

+

=

Happy Birthday J !!!

2008-06-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

Some people think that J was born on June 30th at 11:59PM while others think that she was born on July 1 at 12:00AM. The problem was that J's parents wanted to name her after the month she was born in. The controversy ultimately led to a compromise. Shorten both months by three letters and call it a day. Either way, Happy Birthday J you little Cancer you. Lets see what's in store for you...

Love Train

2008-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I was searching the "Missing Connections" page on the SF Craigslist site (I thought I saw my 4th grade girlfriend in the Tenderloin) when I came across this:

It appears that the J is getting a little desperate for some lovin.

If this love affair doesn't work out I say we get the J on match.com in the international section. Maybe hook it up with a Japanese bullet train?

Rock the Vote

2008-06-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

I urge all of you to get out there and Vote Yes on Proposition J.

As you know if this very important proposition passes the J will service as a nightly mobile dance party from 11pm until 3am with all proceeds going to Noe Valley homeless shelter.

Whether you’re a fan of high speed dance floors or simply want to clean up the Valley this is a great opportunity. Get out and vote!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

2008-06-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

MORGASM-
We congratulate you on the engagement. We recommend you tie the knot on the J!

Man Vs Machine

2008-05-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

I know this guy called Milton who might be the fastest human on earth. He's like a mongoose and a 12 speed Cuisinart Blender combined. The word on the street is he's never lost a foot race, ever. So, I have a challenge to you Mr. Milton. Foot Race: You Vs the J. from Market to 30th. No holds barred / Winner takes all! Any time, any place. The J and I await your response.

Jreaming

2008-05-29T16:10:00.001-07:00

I often wonder late at night when I am in bed if the J is thinking about me. I picture her parked in a very long garage in front of a tennis ball hanging from a string so she doesn't hit the wall. I know the J sleeps well cus I often find bottles of NyQuil on the floor in the morning.

J Breakin Down

2008-05-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Jack, with that attitude you can just go and get off on Market Street and get the F-Stop Blues.

Should I have used 'J can go and get F'ed' as the Title?

Gracias WSJ

2008-05-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

I rode on the earlier J Car this morning and let me tell you the 6:45 crowd is a whole lot more distinguished than the 8:15 crowd. At one point one WSJ reader offered me some change as if I were homeless. I put don’t my copy of the Examiner and took the change with a 'what the f*@k' shrug. I got a chance to thank WSJ later when I ran into him with my Blue Bottle Espresso while leaving the Coffee Shop.

J-cuzzi

2008-05-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

If I could add any amenity to the J it would have to be a Jacuzzi. The hot tub would be the perfect place for the after work crowd to relax. Not to mention a more romantic place than the alley for bum sex to go down.

Sea Legs

2008-04-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

I gobbled a couple of Dramamine before todays voyage. Just in case.

Take my picture

2008-04-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

Some creepy dude with a thin mustache tried to take my picture with his cell phone on the J this morning. He was trying to pull the old "I'm just text messaging my buddy" trick but was definitely trying to get my shot. I kept holding my phone in front of my face to mess him up. But then it looked like I was trying to take a pic of him and the lady next to Thin Mustache dude started tripping out on me. The situation kind of got weird when some guy with a red flannel got on the J at the 16th/Church stop and thanked Thin Mustache for texting him regarding his where-abouts.

Too Bad for You

2008-04-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

I feel bad for people that ride the J from Embarcadero to Van Ness but don't make it out to Church Street. It's like eating a really good bagel without any cream cheese.

Rick-alike

2008-04-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

Here's the back flippin wannabe Rick.

J Roll

2008-04-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

Some asshole took that damn Rick Astley craze too far this morning when he started humming the tune "Never Gonna Give You Up". The kicker was when the jerk somehow got the entire front car to hum along with him. It really got nuts when the conductor (who was dead ringer for Rick) stopped the J and did a back flip out of his booth. I'm not going to say who the person was who started humming. But lets just say he really likes the letter J.

Clothing Optional

2008-04-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

Apparently some guy on the J this morning thought the ride was clothing optional. All he had to cover himself up was today's copy of the Wall Street Journal. Passengers didn't really take notice but I'm guessing if he had yesterdays Examiner they would have been up in arms. Naked Guy exited at Dolores Park for what I can only guess was a mid morning bronzing session. Oh, and Naked Guy, Congratulations.

¿Cuánto para el día a la bahía?

2008-04-16T09:28:00.002-07:00

I wonder what it would take to bribe a J Church Conductor to let me drive that puppy?

2008-04-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Today on the J I saw some dude riding a unicycle down Church Street. His name is probably Steve since he was wearing Reebooks and only one glove.

Right as I was hoping that Steve was going to get doored by the Mini Cooper parked in front of Eric's Chinese Restaurant some asshole spilled his coffee all over me. And wouldn't you know it but the perpetrator was none other than Laptop Man.

This is the same dick I had a showdown with two weeks ago for the last seat on the J. Unless it's the cute Green Purse Girl or the super Old Creepy Dude that works at the Adult Video Store I typically Ro-Sham-Bo passengers for the seat in these situations. But Lap Top Man just ignored the fact that we got to the seat at the same time, sat down and opened up his Laptop in my face as to say "Eff Off".

I really do hope that Steve safely got to where ever he was going. Laptop Man, well, I hope his Lenovo is coffee proof.

Behold the Greatness

2008-04-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

Biting the hand that feeds

2008-04-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

I got kicked off the J last night on my ride home for being too drunk and disorderly. Are they kidding me! I've seen bums have sex on the car and they didn't get kicked off. It was like Max Fischer getting kicked out of Rushmore. Apparently the disorderly part had something to do with convincing a mariachi band to play InagaddaDaVida. No worries, I just put on my game face and got on the next car. I would like to formally apologize to the J for my behavior and to the Mariachi band as they got kicked off as well.

Showdown

2008-04-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

This morning the J had a showdown with the N at the end of 30th St behind the old Safeway. Unfortunately the J backed down to the mighty N and had to wait as the N sped by with a smug-ass grin into the tunnel. The N thinks it's so cool cus it goes by the beach and is twice as long. But it's a love/hate relationship because if the J was going to ever get married it would be to the N. One night stands are another story. Obviously those rendezvous are reserved for that slut F.

Do the Math

2008-04-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

On the way home I sat by a lady the looked like she could be persuaded into voting for Matias in 08'. She had a look on her face that said "the math just doesn't add up". I wonder what sort of criminal penalty the Law would rain down upon me if I rappelled on top of the J and unfurled a banner. I wonder if anything else besides banners can be unfurled?

hope

2008-04-08T17:13:00.001-07:00

I hope my ride home is successful.

Examine this

2008-04-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

My faux pas on the J today was two-fold. Not only did pick up and read the Examiner but as it turns out the paper was from yesterday. No news about Frenchy cops on Rollerblades or daredevil hippies on the Golden Bridge but it did have a fairly accurate prediction for Mondays weather. My biggest disappointment was that the sports page was missing. Does anybody know who won the basketball games on Sunday?